I"M HERE TO OFFICIALLY APOLOGISE TO YONG MEILING.
so sorry i didn't go on saturday. but after you've gone through what i went through in the morning, i doubt you'll ever want to go out again.
yesh, sat morning my mama and papa went to see my sch HOD and its not cause they scolded me lahh...but i felt like i realllie disappointed them and yah, that HOD didn't make it any better...kept making me feel so useless. i now have to give my 200% just to pass my promos so i hope you understand k. i miss you all too...its DEFINATE, ABSOLUTE, NO DOUBT ABOUT IT!i need to pass this hurdle cause if i don't, i'd most probably disappear from the surface of this earth. yes its that bad. (: jiayou!!!


(: thank you God for making me me.

glad jonathan put that tag. haha. forgot to add that eventhough you say such things, it doesn't reallie affect our friendship. thats just how our friendship is; immune. consider the many fights, many irritating stubborn conversations, consider the stupidest things we disagree about. it isn't easy but we've made it through. what more a sentence? ANYWAYS,
i learnt in church today that life is too precious to be upset. to regret. to ponder over people who don't even care. to be angry over a stranger. to be selfish to the ones you love.
yupp...i thank God for giving me this life, to maybe help and change someone else's life. [yeshh...my go save africa project] i decided to be a happier person, to be more helpful, to be kinder to others, to be a worthy christian. i LOVe God and i'm sure he has a plan for me.the only way to express my graditude is to be a better person. see...the wonderful things you learn in church (: JONATHAN, GO TO CHURCH ALREADY!! i just hope Gods patient with me. its not easy to kick away all the bad habits in one day. i'll try. i'm serious.

(: keep that going.


i don't want to be lost.
though a side of me feels perfectly the same as you do.
i don't know what i'm holding on to
maybe its just that perfect feeling
yet is it so easy to give what we had up
for just the fear of uncertainty?

search deep inside for whats right.


I'LL BE GONE AND YOU'LL BE LEFT, SO LOST IN THIS ILLUSION.
this weeks highlight:

ran like mad during P.E on fri...i must say, my stamina has seriously decreased...yupp...because of that, i'm now sick...oh wells...anyways...suppose to go out with the 22s today but unwell so cannot...so sorry jery! HAPPY BIRTHDAY JERYLIN!!! yeahh...jerys reallie nice...yupp...so watched laguna beach the whole afternoon all thanks to mtv and so, this is what i gathered:
to have a guy as a bestfriend in the O.C is equals to being able to flirt without a commitment. as in like...they do things which couples do but they don't have to be commited to them...how convinient. yahh...having a guy as a bestfriend in my case, is being taken for granted.
jonathan said himself: cause jeannas always here. thats why i'm not important. nice right.
sometimes i feel like being brainwashed and start life anew. maybe go to mgs and be a reallie spoilt brat and then go to a nice church and meet some decent acs or other nice guys [as friends of course] and then go to acjc and continue my family's "tradition". yahh...instead of being in the world of the" i'll call you only when i'm bored or need you". i have thought of such thoughts yet my feelings hold me back from breaking free like lacson or sk. maybe jonathan should have stayed in jj maybe i should have just gone crazy and go around making friends. but at the end of the day i'm sure i'll be empty with no direction, nothing to look forward to when i go to school. i don't know...my life is just...good and blessed yet uncertain and confusing. i confuse myself yahh...but seriously, sometimes i feel like because we have been friends for so long, it seems as if its natural not to know the importance.

i need you now
just when you've got on with your life
you leave me stranded
and i'm lost in this world of mine.

This place was never the same again
After you came and went
How can you say you meant anything different
To anyone standing alone
On the street with a cigarette
On the first night we met
Look to the past
And remember her smile
And maybe tonightI can breathe for awhile
I'm not in the seatI think I'm fallin' asleep
But then all that it means is
I'll always be dreaming of you
fate fell short this time
smiles fake in the summer
place your hand in mine
i'll leave when i wanna.



[my class rawks the hardest!]












[the only thing to be proud of]

nice things first: went to town with clement and jonathan after the investiture on wed...sorry jonathan for waiting sooo lonnng...yupp...ate at yoshi and ate yummie icecream. most prob the best day for my getting-worse days...
things to do: meet up with de ex cos and plan activities
-make house ex co and class tee
-keep pestering michael kwok for an ex co room
-studying like mad
-stop going out
-smile once in a while
decided not to blog so frequently already...yepp...no time...i did very badly for my mid-years...yahh...and apparently everyone is disappointed with me...what makes me sad is the disappointment...i kindof expected my results...so yahh...i mean...can't my parents just leave me to do my things and not make such a big fuss? i mean...they should just not get so uptight...they wanted me to go jc and so i went. they wanted me to be exactly like my older sister and i'm trying. however, theres nothing i can do if we simply have different genes. when will they ever accept the fact that i'm less intelligent less hard working as her? i'm myself.
i'm reallie sorry to zoe sinyan and jonathan for irritating you all...i sincerly apologize. i think jona kindof freaked out or maybe just thought i was dumb cause i don't think hes ever seen me like this before. life is seriously hectic but it doesn't stop just because you are tired.

waiting for you is like waiting for 67
slow, tiring and a waste of time
but the delight when it arrives
makes it all worth it.

i'm tired being me.


and i will soar on wings like eagles
held by the hand of God
i will run and not grow tired
when on His name i call
for the Lord is never weary
his ways are beyong my thoughts
i will trust in him, with all my heart.

yesh! finished designing the class tee!!!but then...de powerpoint hang so i cannot print it out :/ don't know whats happening but oh wells...anyways, i thought about it and well, i've decided to just put my faith and trust in God's mighty hand. i guess i don't have to bother about how other people think of me or whether i'm forgotten by others. i lived because of His grace and mercy thus i shall live for Him. i guess what matters most is how i am in His eyes. i love God. no doubt about it!hehe...

today durind de rehersal we played with clay in the lecture theater!!!whee!!! so fun...yeap...deprived childhood...i know...izzah and i were both saying that its all RGPS fault! deprived us of our childhood...haha...but very funny things happened in rg...like reallie stupid things which i reallie laugh about now...then again i may belaughing at whats happening to me now 10 years down the road...sigh...i got clay from head to toe lahh..on my t shirt, shorts, watch, bag, water bottle...if jonathan was there he would roll his eyes and say:" so typical jeanna" oh wells...i enjoy that side of me...at least its fun (: haha...


the weeks not getting better...
had arts day today...my class stall was like typically nothing...and i definately did not help out at all...i'm so so sorrie...i just bought the ice (: yupp...reason being is that yahh...i'm not having much drive lately...i'm dying as you know...jonathan's stall was fun...gots chocolate fountain...yah...had investiture rehersal AGAIN today...its quite fun lahh...just talking crap with the other house ex cos but yahh...lots of things to be done...after i reached home at around 6, my mummy and all the girls were suppose to go out for dinner but somehow a conflict arose so yahh...everyone was just stonning or something...and i was reallie pissed...don't know whats wrong with my fricking family...yesh. i've given up. God just take my soul already. my life is a blast yet its filled with much nausea. can't take it anymore. I just realised: i haven't been crying lately cause i've been f a k ing too much smiles that my body forgot it had emotions. so yah. cried today and though it was painful it felt great to know i'm not made of stone. seriously, my life can't get any worse. i don't know. i'm short of breath as if i've been pushed to a limit which doesn't even exist. sigh. and jonathan seems stressed enough so i reallie don't want to call him and make a fuss. errrgghhh...
fake smiles is a die hard habit

goodbye to you
goodbye to everything that i knew
you were the one i loved,
the one thing that i tried to hold on to.


i'm so dead. with as much God's grace i can ever get, i'm so dead.
ahHhh...i failed the damn math exam...so sorry for the crude language but i'm super stressed. stressed cause i know there are expectations out there for me yet i'm afraid i can't satisfy them. i mean...its like pioneer junior college math exam and i can't even pass?! what about the a levels?!imagine...fighting with people passing hwachong math exam and i can't even pass pjc's math exam?!
but i confess: i have not been studying enough...at least not seriously enough...though i know i have expectations to fufil...i mean...come on...i'm from pjc not acjc...
ever since i went to newtown my mother has been overly paranoid overly whaatever...with my psle score i could only go to newtown...what do you expect? i still did reasonably well there right? so dumb...the more you force me the more unwilling i would want to study the more unwilling the worse i do...DON'T MAKE ME STAY AT HOME! i can't study at home! which part of that sentence do you not understand? duuhhhh...i'm dying...
time for me to get serious...time for my brain to be smarter and less slower and blur and whatever...i hate it. i hate studying life...i'm a rebelious child...what do you expect? i'm the middle child...kill me if you can. just don't torture me with your expectations. i don't mind. seriously.


Y A Y E!!! the exams are over!!!!hahahahahhas...going mad but oh wells...
yah... went to watch silent hill yesterday...its like reallie gross...made my tummy flip sooo many times... and the worse thing is... kester jona and zoe abandoned me after the show. they went to take bus...stupid...i should find more friends who live near me... i was so upset yesterday while taking the train, i was thinking maybe i should have just gone to ac...i should have gone there and live a life of a spoilt child...eventhough i'm still kindof spoilt now but yahh...i will have my other fellow spoilt people in ac then i won't appear to be so spoilt...ahhh...God gives us the freedom to choose and sometimes i feel like i have made the wrong choice...its like sometimes i feel like i don't fit into their world of anime, computer games and yahh...super dumb...wanted to write a thankew thingi for jonathan initially but dont feel like writing le...i'm sorry God for not following you. now i feel the emptiness, of not being able to sing praises to you. want to set up a christian fellowship thingi in pioneer but i doubt anyone will allow...

i need someone to take me home-cries if an africian child [i ought to be thankful with my lot]